Killing Self To Live

A while ago I finished reading, Killing Yourself to Live by Chuck Klosterman, where he visits 50 sites over the course of 3 weeks where rock stars had died. He wanted to experience the connection b/t our mortality and pronounced sense of greatness. He questioned the mediocrity of many of them but, after dying, they became almost a messianic prophet (ie Kurt Cobain). His conclusion was that death only made them dead. Their life was nothing more after they died. Everything else is human construct. It's how we memorialize them they makes them more famous, more talented, or more great. However, there was a parallel story line of his own life and failed relationships, drug use, hopeless, predictably cynical, etc. At the end, he's having a conversation with a friend lamenting about his trip and own life. He makes the statement, "I can't let go of the past. I can't stop loving these women (3 former girlfriends). I can only exist in the past and the future."

To me this was profound. It seems the cry of a generation. I talk with so many people who treat their past with total disdain or intense nostalgia. Either way, they struggle to move ahead. I also see people look at the future with idealism but no real strategy to improve their plight (short of winning the lottery). Many seem to live in the present with really bad habit of wishing their life away. Does it seem like many people live with an unmet expectation, thinking their lives would somehow look different by now?

I believe in the God who sees – past, future, & present. God Sees our debt, our addiction, our hypocrisy, the abuse, lack of care, and our tears. He sees our discipline, extra effort, integrity, anonymous contribution, compassion, and generosity. He is the El Roi, the God who Sees.

And because He Sees, I believe he hears, cares, acts, and grieves. To the extent I understand God’s character, identity, and authority is the extent that I live an integrated life of faith and practice. One observation we could make is that our emotions are never an end in themselves. Much of the way we experience life is our feelings.

But, What if a large part of what we feel about injustice, greed, scarcity, abuse, wealth, accomplishment is supposed to help us see what God sees? What if much of what we feel is more like a road than it is the destination?

Emotions should lead us somewhere, not get us stuck.

I tend to think we see because God sees. The question is, what do we do with what we see? Again, he wants us to see it even if it means sticking around to deal with it. Maybe the invitation is to be a part of a solution, in the present.